Where the Past Splits: Reflections from a Mission in the Making

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by: Jamie Rautenberg

AuthenticSelf

Those of you who’ve followed my work for a little while may already know that the roots of my mission were formed in a private blog from several years ago that I dubbed “Writer on Pause”.

At the time, I was in a state of utter confusion about the chaos that lay within my body, mind & spirit. One of the only things that brought me peace was writing about it. I had no idea what was to come of it, all I knew is that a voice I held within for so long wanted to come out.

Exactly one year ago, I decided to let it go as I stepped fully & publicly into my authentic self.

January 25, 2014

I created this blog several years ago without any clear intention. It hid on the interwebs gathering dust until January 25, 2013 when I decided to just type. Since I couldn’t engage in any physical exercise due to my failing health, perhaps I felt I could at least strengthen my significantly weakened writing muscles. I suppose I wanted to see if I could even write at all.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but when I granted myself permission to open up to the written word again, I really opened myself up to the power of the universe. And then, the universe returned the acknowledgement with motivation to keep going.

Keep moving forward.

It wasn’t until after I took each step that I was given directions.

I received answers to questions I never even thought to ask. I was always stuck in the static of my own mind which faithfully kept me from seeing the unnecessary drama I caused within. Someone was to blame for my pain, why not blame myself?

Turns out, blaming ourselves(or anyone else) only increases the suffering, but taking ownership for the role we play in the inner chaos quiets it. When we own it, we can finally start steering a different course through healthier choices. This space has allowed me to process all of the grief that comes with waking up to this new reality as I faced the split between who I was and where I was going.

Though it sometimes felt like each day bled into the next with no obvious changes, I now see the miracle of this experience. I lay on my back in bed each minute without anywhere to look but up, and nowhere to go but within. And while it’s true that I still spend most of my days in this bedroom, I now have a clear lens to look through to witness myself, as I am, without the incessant running commentary from the judge in my mind.

Without the fear of judgement or rejection, I can continue onward. Even if the doubt creeps back in, I now see it and squash it before it has a chance to grow louder. I see the alternative path and I choose to walk it.

This is where the past splits.

No longer am I the collected projections of other peoples experiences and opinions of me. I do not believe their judgements or mine anymore. I’m not a ‘writer on pause’, I’m just me.

This means parting with this space of the past that has supported me so generously during an incredibly challenging time. But, I have created a new space for who I am today. My intention for my website is to share this next chapter of healing;I’m seeing a beautiful holistic doctor in a different state, and I’m in a different state of mind.

Years in bed have afforded me the privilege of compiling eye-opening resources to heal the mind, body, and spirit. As with life, this space will expand and evolve as I do. It is my hope to reach anyone who may need support or motivation to keep on during their healing crises.

The Daily Infusion will launch imminently, and when it does, it is my official invitation to the universe to show me all the possibilities I have yet to see down this new chosen path.

In gratitude & love, always.
-Jamie

 




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